sweet innocence//alone*

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as i walk alone in the cold rain,
my mind drifted away to the past.
to what we used to be
to the secrets we used to share.
how i wish you were here with me,
sharing the umbrella
in this lonely yet cold night.
whispering sweet nothings in my ear
i miss you so much.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Just another day at my dad's office... My auntie's leaving for China tommorow and would not be back till next Thursday. So the office left my dad, me and the other girl. Just hope there'd be not so many people. Then don't know when the other employee my dad employed would be starting work, just hope he comes in earlier to lessen the burden...perhaps next month then he start work... Oh ya, talking about this, my dad employing people... I was asking my dad the other day why he doesn't wanna employ my poly friends lor... I remembered asking whether Siti or Derek could work for him, but he rejected both of em?! Haiz... He thinks that they are too clever or something like that, cos he doesn't want them to be clever else will like talkback or outdo him...something like that lah... But, wth... I don't know how he thinks lor...he'd rather employ someone super stupid...like the previous employee and waste the salary on her than give someone with more potential, at least the person with more potential can help out longer and stay longer, than look for other employees, then gotta train so many times lor, waste the time... Get what i mean? Now the one he is employing, i think its no better than the previous one lor... My dad says he looks very lao shi...but who knows?! As the saying goes, "don't judge a book by its cover...". Nvm, this i have no say in it, i cannot decide lor... Its his own decision, i can do nothing about it... Its just that i feel he very..."selfish" lor...think that's the word to describe it lor... Not i want to talk bad, but its really true... You see, other people approached him, think there was one fresh graduate, and i think another one is like relative relationship like that, also fresh graduate, he never even consider lor... He'd rather give the chances to strangers... So i think next time, for me when i'm a fresh graduate, think i'll go find a job myself better... My dad says he wants me to work for him...no way i'm going to... I'd rather get a job myself and learn other skills than work with him... To say the truth, i'm not interested in his line at all, which is dealing with car insurance.

Another thing bothering me... I find that i'm really CONTROLLED in many areas...i'm not even given a chance to do what i WANT!!! For instance, after i graduate, my parents want me to go Australia to further my studies...especially my mum!!! Cos his brother is over there, then she was thinking like i go stay at his house while i study there, but i don't want lor... Then that time his brother came to my house for awhile, then ask me whether wanna go Australia to study, i replied a straight "no"... I know for myself what i want lor... Then he say why not...then already talk about what i want to study and whatsoever...never even give me a chance to hear what i feel... Then he say what i'm interested in, i say networking... He say networking for guys only?! Wth!!! Girls cannot study networking izzit?! This is looking down on girls... Nvm, wait till i study for them to see that i can make it...who says girls can't. I just hope to study Singapore U... Although the prospects aren't that great, but it'd do...and getting to the Singapore U issn't that easy either... You have to be the top 5%. I'd work hard on that.

Gosh...it suddenly dawned on me that my parents have my future arranged for me... This really sounds scary... I just hope it doesn't work this way... It'd be a nightmare... Imagine this... My parents "force" me to go overseas for my studies, find a boyfriend for me and "force" me to be with him (this is the worst)... This can't carry on, thinking about it is just scary enough to make me cry. I thought what my friends told me wouldn't be true, but it seems to be true now, slowly...step by step as the time comes. I just hope i won't crumble and breakdown should this happen... Tell me why i don't have a sibling?! If i have, perhaps my parents won't pin all hopes on me now... This is just ridiculous. Would you like it if your parents tell everyone about you? Yes, my dad always like to do that one me... I don't mean really bad things... Ok let me give you an example... Cos i follow my dad to do insurance or sometimes to the bank. Then as usual, you know my dad, super talkative one lor...and just that "unfortunately" i'm 360 degrees opposite from him... My dad knows everyone very well cos he always go those places, then he will like always talk about me lah, tell everyone that i will take over his job lah, and then say all those things... I mean...argh, he is just too talkative lah, no need to announce to the whole world that i'm your daughter and whatsoever... I got nothing to say, and i'm too used to it, so i just keep quiet and let him say and do my own things, pretend nothing happen... I know i'm abit bad, but he say not just once or twice... He can repeat and repeat like a tape recorder to everyone in the whole world... Not long, the whole universe will know...this is just crazy... Sometimes, i think he talks alot... Okok, nvm about this...i'm just ranting...

Talk about a different thing for a change... Today, at about 5.30pm, Derek smsed me asking me whether wanna go KTV on Sunday or not. I just tell him see first. Then i ask him why suddenly wanna go KTV...lol! But, but, he never reply me...haiz...so sad... But its nice of him to ask me...at least he think of me...haha... Thought he forget about me le...

Haiz...my T10 friends all split le...wonder would we still remain contact or not... I just really hope we'd remember each other in one way or another and be friends forever...

4/07/2005 10:48:00 PM
alone* in the rain;